Paradox

As you learn more about game, you are bound to encounter many great paradoxes. How you ultimately deal with these can make a huge difference in your skill. Many of these paradoxes seem real, but they are not really conflicting as you think.

For example, you may have learned that it's important to "be cool" and "relax" and not take anything too seriously. If you try too hard, you will end up looking stiff or even worse, desperate.

And then you may learn that in order to get good, you can't just be laid back and wishy-washy when going out. That you have to push yourself. You have to take things seriously to really improve your game. Analyze your "sticking points" or problem areas.

So which is it? How can you be one and not the other?

It may seem like a paradox, but it certainly isn't. You should treat it like a baseball hitter treats batting. When a hitter is up to the plate, he relies on instincts. He has to learn to relax, or else his stiff muscles will prevent him from swinging fast enough or controlling the bat head. Essentially, he lets his hard work during batting practice take place. He doesn't have time to make a lot of decisions when it's actually game time and he's on TV and it's the bottom of the 9th. He has to relax his mind. He can't care about the crowd or the cameras. He's in the moment and totally calm.

On the other hand, when he is not in a game batting, he will spend a lot of time studying and analyzing his game. He will watch footage of himself, get help and advice from others. Just like a hitter shouldn't start overanalyzing in the middle of a game (it can throw him off for the rest of the game), a pick up artist shouldn't either. Save the analysis for after you're home and you can reflect. When you reflect, you can start pouring energy into how to become a better batter, or better pick up artist.

So as a good pick up artist, you need to let your instincts run smooth relaxed game around women and analyze things far after everything is said and done. There is no paradox here. You will be relaxed and care-free. You will also be analytical and constantly improving your game.

Another paradox you may encounter is that of not having any guilt for going after the hot women, the 9's and the 10's. At the same time, there are many pickup gurus telling you to love all women regardless of how hot they are. So which is it? Should you waste time with unattractive women or shamelessly focus on all the attractive ones?

This is also not a true paradox. You need to have the clear understanding in your mind about your natural, god-given, instinctual desires that has allowed the human race to propagate. That is your automatic desire for genetically attractive females. There is no need to have shame in such an important part of our existence. You don't need to be controlled by religion or media.

On the other hand, while we understand our powerful animal desires, we don't need to give in to them completely unchecked either. As a modern man, and an intelligent man, you can decide when to enjoy the desires and when not to. You are a man of standards who will not have sex if there are clearly problems.

And as a modern man, and a good pickup artist, you should understand that our base natural desires are a source of frustration for women. It can cause women to feel competitive, inadequate, and insecure. And as a man who is conscious of how women feel and connected to women, you can be the kind of man who actually understands women's frustrations. This will not only score you points with women, but put you into a higher rank than a simple zoo ape.

So which do you go for? You should naturally and without guilt have a stronger desire for attractive women (the women you want) while balancing the frustrations that women may have. If you are in a situation where it would be incredibly insulting to another girl if you just dropped her and went for some other hot chick, you're not being a good pickup artist. If you are in a club and you scan around for the hottest chicks and immediately go up to them - the other women can see you doing that - and the hot chicks also know whats coming. DONT DO THAT. Don't be a predator, like a hunter. Be opportunistic, like a fisherman.

Also good to note is that "unattractive women" and even the men are very good to talk to. It's 100X better than standing alone from another person's perspective. Furthermore, don't burn your bridges!!! It's worth saying again, Don't Burn Your Bridges! Becoming friends with ANY NEW PERSON expands your social network. A short-minded ineffective pickup artist will disregard the ugly hunchback chick. A true pickup artist will make friends with the ugly hunchback chick and GRACEFULLY pick up her incredibly attractive best friend. That old grandma standing in front of you at the grocery store? GAME HER! Why? She has a 22-year-old granddaughter who is very shy and very bookish, never goes out to clubs or bars, is incredibly hot with a perfect body, and she may even PUSH HER on you or at least give you a great intro some weeks down the line. You never know how it may develop.

And even if you don't make any new hot chick connections through the normal people you meet, you'll at least gain the valuable skill of being social which will help you when it's time to step up to the plate in front of a really hot chick.

There are many other "paradoxes" that you may encounter. If you work through them, you will realize they arn't really a paradox. You can resolve these conflicts and questions and become a more solid pickup artist. When you are unsure about how to act, most likely you won't act at all. This is the worst. It's important to solve such problems, before you go out and try to do too much.

Good luck and hope this was helpful! I know it got me stuck many times as a newbie pickup artist!

-SF Sly

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Knowing Your Skill Level

One of the things you learn early on in pickup is that your self-image, self-esteem, or "inner game" is very key to your success with women. Many pickup gurus will teach you affirmations to have you thinking in positive ways. You'll meditate in front of the mirror saying things like, "I am a great person" or "I am so sexy to women". As you gain some inner confidence, your behaviors may change to reflect that confidence and thus you reap the rewards.

And the amazing thing is that you can convince yourself using affirmations. You can convince yourself that you are attractive, sexy, powerful, or brave.

But here is the problem.

If you don't get the results you want, you'll through this strange feeling of things not lined up correctly and you then logically come up with something to explain it. You can say you are "good with women" and then not really get a lot of # closes or anything. What is going on?

Sometimes you can take your fake inner game too far and create blind spots. You've convinced yourself that you are good with women, that you are attractive to women (it's their loss if they don't like you), and have become blind to your own weaknesses. This fake inner game can FEEL pretty damn good as long as you can keep side-stepping the fact that you arn't getting results.

The bottom line is that if you don't face your weaknesses, you cannot get better no matter how much you use self-affirmations and ignore the problem.

As a newbie, your weaknesses tend be negative beliefs that unnecessarily hold you back. Once you've been doing pickup for a while, your weaknesses tend to be positive beliefs that make you ignorant of your weaknesses.

If you have reached the stage where you feel good about yourself, you don't sit around with limiting beliefs, you are enjoying your life, you appreciate the world, and you are generally happy - but you are not getting results - then this is the next step.

Go back to being a newbie, but this time with a positive attitude and a strong frame of mind.

You need to go back and begin to absorb information about how to become more attractive and better with women without crumbling like a cookie succumbing to stupid thoughts such as, "I cannot be attractive" and "I cannot be good with women". It's easy to start FEELING bad about your lack of results again and you will HESITATE because it feels like that terrible time when you were a super newbie.

But you have to acknowledge your weaknesses and this time you will recognize and distinguish between negative beliefs and constructive identification of weaknesses. You don't let your weaknesses affect you emotionally. You work on them to get better. You understand that you have these weaknesses, and don't IGNORE them. It's a huge mistake to ignore them and it will prevent you from getting results.

I'm sure you will go out and meet these guys (and you might be one) where they feel great about themselves, they feel confident about women, but they don't really have women in their lives other than the occasional #-close. Some become so happy about themselves, they don't even go out and approach anymore. They are too happy.

Well, eventually that castle in the sky will fall and the guy will realize you need to build up skills and not just think you have skills.

Always remain a student of pickup. Know where you stand psychologically and how much identification of weaknesses you can handle before it starts affecting you emotionally. Work on yourself with the idea that you are already good and you are going to get better - not with the idea that you are bad and you are going to get better.

And if you work on yourself and take off the blind spots and stay emotionally strong about it, you will finally be ready to take the next steps to convert that good -but fake- inner game into real inner game that comes from real success.

Happy hunting! :)

-SfSly

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The Power Game

The Power Game

At a fundamental level, we know that if we want someone more than they want us then they have the power.

Needyness is the ultimate indicator of who has power in a relationship (and therefore the more attractive one). To be successful, you have to get what you want without giving your power away. The pushy salesman and the needy pickup guy both exhibit weakness, dishonesty, inauthenticity, value-taking attitude, and basically unattractive. 

It is important to understand what you have to offer, believing in your value, and always be willing to walk away if the deal becomes sour or unfavorable to you.

So you may want a girl, and the degree to which you want the girl will exhibit itself in some way. If you exhibit desire while she shows none back, you have lost the game. 

At one extreme is the ultimate chode who stands at the bar not approaching any woman because he doesn't want to give his power away and act like the kind of desperate loser who goes around trying to pick up girls with lines and techniques. But if he stands at the bar with the fear of approach on his mind, he has already lost because the woman has the power. If he stands at the bar looking unhappy, he has already lost because he would probably be happier if he had women. If he stands at the bar without any friends, then in his mind he is all-mighty and powerful but to everyone else he is lonely. People are not telepathic. They only read what they see.

So how do you attract women and make progress without losing your power?

#1. Always, always, always be willing to walk away. As she becomes more attracted to you, you can return the attraction by slowly tolerating more and more behaviors. The point is to stay attractive, not for you to sabotage your own chances or act like some asshole.

#2. Always be having fun and enjoying yourself. THIS IS NOT OPTIONAL. If the girl detects that your happiness is in anyway dictated by her being around you, you lose. You've just basically told her that she has all the power. Don't be the one looking around for who is having fun. Don't be looking for girls. Move around to move around. Mingle to mingle. But don't be the one trying to look for fun - be the one who is bringing it.

#3. Make every progressive move on the girl an act of inviting her to have fun in your world and if she "rejects" it, then it's her own loss. Do not beg. Do not be even the slightest bit affected by her "rejection". If she rejects you, she is either attracted but not completely comfortable yet or not attracted at all (and probably will never be). Keep having fun, and ask her again later after a longer period of time. 

If you don't know if its case A where she's still just uncomfortable or B where she's not attracted at all, then you'll need to just keep interacting with women until you're able to tell. It's a social skill to differentiate between the two situations. As a newbie, assume A.

Every piece of attention you give to a girl is a test of power or attraction. You must be careful about how much attention you give to a girl because it's basically handing your power on a silver platter. They won't respect you if you do it before you've established that you have any power.

It's important to have an attitude of just talking to her because she happened to be there and you're a social guy. Anything else is needy. The conversation cannot be more important to you than it is to her. If you're not that social guy yet, you are only powerful in your mind. To everyone else, you're shy/weak/whatever.

Just like in a good poker game, you up the ante little by little. As you interact in a non-chalant way in the beginning, you become as committed as them or challenge them by showing a bit of interest and seeing if the same amont of interest comes back. As you get good at the game, you will be able to detect that she is interested or she is not. 

The tricky part here is that you cannot move too fast, and cannot move too slow. If you move too fast, she will be uncomfortable even if she is attracted, will reject you causing you to lose power, and even lose attractiveness in her eyes. If you move too slow, she will see you as a friend rather than a potential mate. The only way to get good at the timing is to practice. And since every girl is different, you'll never become 100% accurate. But you'll learn to navigate. Like playing an instrument, no human is ever perfect but you can be good enough to play a huge concert without your mistakes becoming a problem.

Remember, another reason why people don't make a progressive move is because of FEAR. This is actually a sign of LOWER POWER and very unattractive. So you might be thinking, "alright I'm not even going to ask her for her number because I'm so cool" but in your gut you might be feeling, "I don't want to lose her by asking for the number and getting rejected".

If you are coming at this from that angle, you will lose this game. You must never let fear prevent you from making a move. The only reason not to make a move is because (socially) you feel that she is not yet comfortable; but to wait any longer is a sign of fear and weakness and less power/attractiveness. Don't wait. 

Remember, if you find yourself going too fast - practice going WAY slower. If you find yourself going too slow - practice going WAY faster. If you are playing it too safe - practice being more aggresive. If you are too aggresive - practice being less. These adjustments are what makes you better, not doing the same thing over and over again.

Really, you want to be the one setting the pace while at the same time understanding her comfort levels. You would be setting the pace because you are having fun in your own life, not because it is a pace that is less risky of losing the girl. Don't misunderstand setting the pace. Your beliefs will be exhibited through microbehaviors.

It's easy to get frustrated by the power game. You might overestimate everything and end up becoming the chode who is powerful in his own mind. You refuse to talk to a girl unless she first shows signs of interest. You don't ask for her number, because you want her to ask for it to maintain your power. This game can become a total deadlock. Two players refusing to give up any power, and nobody wins. 

What you need to learn is precision moves that are offerings of power to evaluate how it will be responded to. You will detect if she appreciates the offering of power and offers an equal or greater amount of power back to you. If not, she is maintaining some power and control over the situation. If she sees that you have value to her, she will offer power back. 

Just like some stupid item on ebay, the value is only what people think its worth. You should value yourself very highly. And if you are around people who don't value you highly, get away from them. Hang out with people who respect you and value you highly as well.

When the girl sees you having value, she will offer equal or more power when you offer power. Let me give you a simple example.

Suppose a girl sees you having fun at the bar, laughing with friends having a great time. Then you ask her something related to the conversation you were having just because you were near by. He quickly goes back to talking to his friends, but acts open to you joining their conversation. You seem to be a guy with value. You then ask for her name. She responds without hesitation. She saw that you had value. When you asked her name, you gave up a bit of power by showing interest. She returned the same amount of power by answering, which is a very good sign that nothing bad is happening. It's a good sign that the power isn't shifting to her. 

Let's suppose she didn't answer you when you asked for her name or gave you a quick response and then left to go talk to her friends. That's a sign that she saw no value. Because a name is such a little thing, it shouldn't make you feel like you've lost all your power. But you should evaluate how much value you seem to be projecting to the people around you. Are you really having more fun than everyone else? And if you really are just a social guy, it shouldn't bother you at this point. 

So the game is tricky. It's like a tennis match, hitting the ball back and forth to see who has the power. We show signs of value to see how they show signs of value. We give offers of power to see if they reciprocate with offers of power. The smart ones who practice and tweak their skills and ability to offer only as much value as needed for a given situation will have much more success. It becomes naturally easier with practice. 

The game isn't won by having all the power. The game is won by consistently being the one with more power each step of the way as you give it away and she returns equal or more of her power. And she will give you her power as long as you have value that matches it in her eyes. You won't win this game by refusing to give up your power. That is the chode's deadlock. You must take risks of giving away your power. It's possible to get rejected. Some women do this to maintain their power in a man-hating feminazis way. That's really fake. She has no power if she has to intentionally reject you regardless of your qualities. Don't let such a stupid thing bother you. 

If you can give away just enough power to lure her along, consistently showing value through your attitude, how much fun you have, your playfulness, or whatever else it is that isn't in a "show-off" way (because showing off is sign of less power, not more), then you will successfully seduce women.

The progression has been mapped out by countless other men. From the initial touch, to asking for information, setting up a date, getting a phone number, taking her to your house, and getting laid. Each step is a carefully calculated offering of power where, if you have shown enough value and she is comfortable, she will return by offering her power back to you by accepting it, agreeing to it, and in some cases even pushing for it.

So have fun!

And I'll see you in my next blog post.

-SF Sly

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Sexy Cool

I realized something amazing today.

Everyone knows that "confidence" is attractive to women, but it's not well understood and even more poorly exhibited than I first imagined. We know "neediness" is incredibly unattractive, but I far underestimated the ways in which I have learned to act needy.

At first I thought "neediness" was just being sure not to ask a lot of questions and don't buy her drinks. That really is an absurd oversimplification. A woman's sensory skills are so highly tuned and sensitive that they can detect even the smallest indications of neediness. There are micro-behaviors that we do subconsciously from experience and repetition. When I became aware of this, I realized how much I must be repelling women. It is nearly impossible to detect and requires a significant amount of introspection and self-awareness.

I was practicing guitar the other day and for some reason, just became aware of how fast I would play. I noticed that I didn't let the individual notes or phrases really ring out nice and clearly. For some reason, I was concentrating on getting to the end of the song like it was a job or a task where finishing was so important. Why was I playing with this urgency?

That's when I realized that I was playing guitar for the attention and to win the approval of the audience. I was playing like I needed to prove myself. I was playing like I needed to show people what I can do. I was playing like I had to get it all out before they would get bored and walk away. I played in fear of losing their attention and so I played it faster simply because of this attitude and self-belief that I needed to prove myself to raise my self-esteem.

As I slowed it down, I began to feel what it is like to be so calm and confident in myself. I didn't have to prove myself to anyone. I didn't need to show anyone how well I could play guitar. I really let myself play at my own pace and really relish and enjoy what I was doing, regardless of what other people might think. And isn't that true confidence?

My guitar has unlocked my self-esteem issue and nice guy problems.

I began to see how much I am constantly trying to win the approval of others in the smallest of ways. I am often very sensitive to pleasing others or at least to avoid confrontation or possible conflict in many ways. Often, I would even give up a piece of my self-worth by letting someone do something. The tone of my voice can be approval or rapport seeking. My body language. Even what stories I talk about. The way I live my life could be described as a very approval-seeking life.

Growing up, I did get good grades (when I wasn't lazy or distracted). The whole system from school to work is very "performance" and "end-result" based. This is good, but the pressure can turn you into a person who constantly needs to reach something: a goal, a destination, a result, a kiss, a date, or even sex. The focus isn't the experience and enjoying the moment, and it should be. Life is a journey, not a destination.

This need to "get along with people" is the essential nature of nice guy syndrome. This need to "get a result" is the essential nature of neediness and unattractiveness. To be confident and cool is to be able to be comfortable with yourself, not allow other people to affect you, and not change yourself or what you do just to get their approval. To be yourself is a very similar thing which is very bad generic advice because few people understand what it really means.

If you look at anyone who women are attracted to, they often have this air of confidence in themselves. They are able to express themselves freely. They are unhindered. They do not worry about making enemies by just being who they are. They are not overly accomodating, not overly submissive.

The frightening part of this realization is how ingrained this attitude has developed inside of my mind and personality. Even when I consciously try not to exhibit this behavior, life moves at a speed where you need to be on auto-pilot because there's too much information coming at you at once.

It is really important to SLOW DOWN and live at your own pace by your own rules. It is important to define your happiness as a default state, or you will chase after it while unnecessarily depriving yourself of being happy. It is important not to think of things or people in terms of what you can get from them. Some call this, "being in the moment." You don't need to prove anything to anyone. You don't need to rush anything unless there really is a serious limitation of time. And in terms of attracting women, this urgency is a repellent.

When you are the source of energy and fun and look at offering value (not for approval, but because it's simply how you enjoy yourself) then you become attractive to other people.

It is very popular to be "high energy" around women. There are really two ways of doing it. One is a "high energy" that centered on trying to generate some kind of response from a woman. Even if you don't care what the response is, if you are expending so much energy and then woman detects that this is not how you normally act, they will often interpret this as you trying to win their approval. Another way to have "high energy" is to simply be in your own world and having fun for yourself, rather than for other people. You are simply being authentic. I find that most guys who I've seen with attractive women fawning after them have this air of cool confidence that comes from truly living this way and not having the micro-behaviors of neediness. The micro-behaviors and subconscious actions can't be hidden.

Our brains are incredibly effective at learning and repetition. Change is much harder to forge. To eliminate the micro-behaviors will take a lot of practice.

And the key to establishing a new pattern, like to fix a bad habit on a guitar, is to SLOW DOWN and practice exhibiting the behavior you want while focusing on how it fits with the new attitude of calm confidence.

In your every day life, recognize how you are seeking rapport with friends or strangers. Recognize how quickly you turn your head when someone says your name. Recognize how quickly you are affected by outcomes and other people's opinion or feelings about you. Recognize any time you feel you need to hurry or rush or go at a pace even slightly faster than you really need to. Slowing down will let you recognize the behavior, but also let yourself establish a new pattern. At first it will be awkward and mistakes will be made. You may go into auto-pilot mode where your old attitude comes out again. That's OK. Recognize it and think about how you will deal with it next time. Practice until it is smooth. Eventually you will begin to exhibit the non-needy behaviors without the mind-bending conscious awareness.

Nice guys are thus very unattractive. The beta attitude is weak, needy, urgent, ungrounded, and full of hidden agendas of wanting to "get something" out of it. Jerks are far more attractive because they do have this attitude of doing things at their own pace in life. But you don't have to be a jerk by purposefully making other people miserable. The most attractive attitude is one where you don't have anything to prove and don't need anything. You enjoy your life and anyone who happens to be around and becomes attracted to you is coincidental.

As mutual attraction develops with a girl, it's OK to move towards sex because life is not stand-still. Even a musician who plays a song shouldn't enjoy each note so much that he plays one note and completely stops. It's okay to move forward, as long as you stick to the attitude of enjoying the moment each step of the way and not focused on just trying to get to the last note of the song. You seduce a woman without worrying if she will leave, just as I will play guitar without worrying if the audience will get bored. That is Sexy Cool and that is attractive.

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Motivation

WHAT IS MOTIVATION?

It seems like a simple question, but the answer is quite complex. By definition, we are motivated by what we want.

I believe that the degree to which you want something is influenced by two factors:

1. Genetic/innate human desire
2. Social programming

A tremendous source of failure is caused by lack of desire. Say I want a new car, but I don't want to work to earn money to buy the new car. There is a lack of motivation, because the motivator is not great enough to justify the cost of having it.

Humans are driven far more by their emotions, if not completely. It is human aspiration, dream, eagerness to achieve, love, pride, and so many other emotions that cause people to do the things they do. It is both running away from negative emotions and running towards positive emotions. The basic balance of life.

And so real motivation doesn't come from getting more organized or dissecting a project into smaller chunks.

Real motivation doesn't come from planning. I can plan perfectly, but still feel like it's not worth it.

Real motivation doesn't come from listening to motivational speakers.

Real motivation doesn't come from confidence. I am confident to wake up every morning, but I might not still want to.

Real motivation doesn't come from a lack of focus or direction.

Real motivation comes from a TREMENDOUS EMOTIONAL SOURCE.

But in many areas of our lives, we lack emotion. The drudgery of office work sucks our emotions dry. Boring things deplete us. We make some partial progress and feel good about it, rendering the remainder not so important (for example, making 50% of all the money your goal was to make). We seem to quickly settle based on some kind of measurement of risk/reward. We decide that the added amount of effort doesn't give us equivalent pleasure.

I've seen this happen in people's lives. They are poor. They go to school and work hard. They get a job. They have money, but they realize money isn't everything. They quit their job to do something they are more passionate about, even for less money.

Emotions not only drive our motivation but gives things a purpose to begin with. Without emotions, the goals are meaningless.

In a world where energy is scarce and expenditure of energy needs to be done intelligently, should we get excited? Is lack a motivation really a problem?

DO WE REALLY NEED TO FIX MOTIVATION?

In many ways, it's not really a problem. It's your brain telling you that it's not worth it. Your brain is smart. It's not going to make you dig a hole in the ground for 6 hours and then fill it back up with the same dirt again unless you're really quirky or psychotic. Lack of motivation is not a disease. It's simply a result of a well-balanced formula of intelligent behavior.

So should you "FIX" it? People have thought that being homosexual was a disease and it needed to be "FIXED" but there are others who believe it is natural and is very rude to say it needs to be fixed. Same goes for lack of motivation.

Some people are not motivated because they don't know how to reach the goal. That's a different situation, and I'm not talking about that here. This is purely someone who can do it, but doesn't do it, because of lack of motivation or feeling that it's worth doing.

One problem with motivation and determining if it needs to be fixed or not, is that when making this determination of weight/value of the reward is that many people don't exactly know how they will really FEEL when they achieved that goal. The unknown makes it difficult to make the right emotional connections.

For example, if you want a really great girlfriend but you've never had one before (at least not a really great one), you will be unsure about how good it will feel. You can "guess" that it will feel good. But how can you be sure?

For a child, a good education might not seem so important. Why? Because what is the feeling they will have once they achieve a good education? Who knows? How can the child feel it in advance? It's impossible. Children must trust adults and they don't, they'll probably decide that a good education is a big waste of time. To deal with this problem, adults simply FORCE FEED the children because they believe they KNOW WHATS BEST for the child and as the child matures, the child will hopefully be thankful. This is parenting.

Of course, not all children grow up and decide all that good education was worth it. They will graduate from law school to make their parents happy, meanwhile, all they want to do is be a medium-educated with humble amounts of money and be a fisherman and be so happy. Strange, isn't it? The happiness that was advertised by the parents or society didn't turn out in the product. Sometimes there's a sense of anger for having to go through such pain and force-feeding for something that they ultimately did not want. But more likely, the person will simply let the past be the past and reflect on how the experience taught them the feeling of that one goal. Because you really don't know how you feel about something, even if you try to pretend, until you have it.

So in MANY ways, what we want is really distorted by how we think we might feel once we've achieved it. In schools we are generally forced to do it by adults, but after that we're really on our own. I personally feel that maybe such an education system sucks, but that's a totally different topic.

So because of this problem of a blurred and uncertain knowledge of the feeling of a goal, we should look towards others and see how they FELT when they achieved their goal after hard work. Look at the glimmer in their eye, the joy in their tears, the happiness. (Be careful of advertisers, they'll exploit this technique.) And when you see someone who said, "it was worth it" - then it very well may be worth it to you, but you just don't know it because how you feel when you reach the goal is so blurry.

I believe that life is about rich experiences. And from what I've learned listening to people much older than myself, that in retrospect to their life, people seem to regret the things they didn't try, rather than the things they did.

You're only on this planet for a short period of time. I will be gone, you will be gone, in a matter of years. Not centuries. And to fill your life with experiences and explore new feelings is really the best thing you can do both as a child, a teenager, a young adult, or an old adult. Once we stop feeling new things, we stop growing. And by definition, something that isn't growing, is already dead.

And to answer the question - should we fix it - my answer is YES. The goal is too blurry for your brain to make the right value judgment about it, otherwise you would have already said "yes" or "no" to whatever you need to get motivated about. You have to FIND ways to motivate yourself because long-term goals can be hard for your mind to wrap itself around the emotions you get from the vague results. So now that we want to fix it, how do we do it?

HOW TO MOTIVATE YOURSELF

For people who are lacking motivation (not because of helplessness, per say) but just don't seem to find the reward so amazing that all the work necessary to achieve the reward is worth it, the best thing to do is get excited.

When you FEEL something, you then want to DO something. If you don't FEEL anything, you don't DO anything. We feel a hot stove, we move away. We feel attracted to a person, we want to be with them.

So what types of FEELINGS do we need to create motivation?

There are a million different feelings why people do something. To be happy, to be excited, to have fun, to satisfy their curiosity, because they are angry, they are frustrated, to avoid feeling rejected, to have a feeling of pride and feel important, to feel strong, to feel accomplished, and many, many others.

What's the quickest way to change someone's mind about something? It's not to logically argue the correct solution, but rather, change how they FEEL about it (or maybe just change the way they FEEL in the moment).

What do advertisers do to convince someone that it's worth it? They play on three parts of the brain. The logical, emotional, and primitive parts of the brain. The common example is the beer commercial.

Logically, this beer is 200 calories less. Makes sense.
Emotionally, the guy in the ad is having tons of fun and smiling. Awesome.
Primitively, the guy has hot babes fawning over him. Sex sells.

So to motivate yourself, you should take the goal and "sell it to yourself". Figure out the logical, emotional, and primitive motivators. Draw a picture if necessary. Know what the picture of the goal is in your mind to want it on all three levels of your brain.

The other step which is more basic is to simply GET IN TOUCH WITH YOUR FEELINGS. Your emotions are primarily turned off most of the time to reduce the amount of energy you need to expend. But your emotions are the fuel. And if you have no fuel, the car isn't going anywhere.

Sometimes the tasks required to achieve a goal produce negative emotions. This causes a conflict. For example, most children hate doing homework. It's a negative emotion. This actually sucks your fuel out of you. Positive fuel would be positive emotions. Getting creative with it, doing homework together with friends in study groups, watching a movie about it first to get inspired and excited, and so many other positive emotions. It's so important, and so often ignored. Why do we try to teach kids on an empty emotional tank? It's hard enough as it is.

And for yourself, you don't need to suffer this way either. It's almost cliche to say love what you do - but it's key. Convert whatever mundane task you are doing into something you LOVE to do. Add friends. Make it a small challenge with a fun reward at the end. Reward yourself with a treat, maybe some ice cream (this will influence how you feel next time and make you more eager to do it - positive reinforcement). Become more curious about the subject. Get excited by FINDING other people excited about it. Feelings are contagious.

And you can see how being so excited about doing the tasks will automatically help motivate you to complete the task.

The energy expenditure for being excited is fairly high, so be sure not to become exhausted. Pace yourself, but as long as you keep rewarding yourself, at least the -work- itself won't feel so bad in fact sometimes you might not even notice it because you're having fun instead.

The energy you need for emotions will come from your health and how tuned you are to feelings. For health, it's diet and exercise. For tuning into feelings, selectively choose to find inspirational and positive stories about life - as well as building friendships with positive people who will create more feelings inside of you. It's emotional diet and exercise. Practice doing more things with feeling. Musicians are often told to play with more feeling. I want you to practice doing everything with more feeling - even SPEAK WITH MORE FEELING with high tones and low tones with excitement or astonishment or whatever you are FEELING at the moment. Get rid of the robotic dead core if you have one and become a lush, flowing spring of wonderful emotions with ups and downs of human nature. You don't have to become an out-of-control drama queen, crying and laughing all day long, but most people who lack motivation don't talk with much emotion.

And as you do these things, you will have the motivation to meet your goals and experience the new feelings of having that goal you wanted. And the truth is, much of the time, it was the journey that made the goal worth it and not the goal itself.

So get excited and go do it.

-Sly

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Real Women

If you're like me, you probably have a strong idea of what the ideal woman should be. And to some degree, you might have already decided that there is no perfect woman and so you can't wait forever to find her.

But the bigger problem is that people who lack social experience don't know the extremely wide scale between bad and good and great that is "Reality". Real women don't act like people on TV or in the movies. Real women don't look like women on the cover of magazines or in porn movies. Real women don't have simple personality dimensions that you might read about in a book or see on a show. Real women are multi-dimensional, complex, and come in such a huge variety of shapes and sizes that you'll in for a shock - a possibly big one, once you start meeting real women.

In pick-up, it makes sense to go after the women who you are attracted to. That's where you'll learn the most. But you may not know that "what you are attracted to" is actually a very gray area. It doesn't feel gray because over the years you've been trained to be attracted to a certain type of woman. Everything in your life's experience - from tv, movies, porn, friends, ex-girlfriends, family, whatever - all has affected your perception of what you are attracted to.

And you might be in for a shock when you finally go out to find women and don't find any that you are attracted to. Your standards are high. But they are artificial standards. They are constructed by your experience. I was personally in a huge shock and I found myself not approaching any women because they seemed: "too old", "too fat", "too disfigured", "too pessimistic", "too emo", "too goth", "too short", "too tall", "too rich", "too poor", "too asian", "too black", "too cold", "too shallow", and a myriad of other reasons.

And what can you do if you're not sexually attracted to so many women, or in fact, the majority of women? What are your odds of being sexually happy? Quite low.

Should you change?

I would say for extreme cases like my own, yes. I think a re-definition of what is sexy and attractive is in order, and a re-adjustment "reality check" of what real women are like in the real world (not TV) is required.

Is it possible to change? How do you change?

I think that it is possible. The human brain needs to adapt to its environment. It cannot survive thinking that gravity doesn't exist when there are constant reminders that it does. It's a learning machine. It's a survival machine. It's been fooled into thinking that porn and masturbation is spreading your genetic material as you search for better looking more attractive women on the internet. But that's a physical manipulation. It works, and many guys are happy with it. But if you're here, you've decided that the fake stuff actually sucks.

To change is quite simple. Exposure to real women. You need to meet and socialize with real women. Hundreds of them. Thousands of them. If you can in your lifetime, millions of them. Real women with real jobs, real issues, real personalities, real bodies, real emotions, real thoughts, real preferences, real moods, and real affection. Your mind will suddenly start to realize what "normal" is - and it's not magazine cover models. It will adjust. You will slowly, but surely, begin to adjust your tastes without "lowering your standards" (or at least having it feel that way). You will become attracted to new types of women, and it won't FEEL LIKE lowering anything - because your brain has adjusted to reality. Gravity feels normal because of exposure to it. If you're from a world without gravity, it feels like the weirdest most annoying downwards pull ever.

So if you're in this situation, stop worrying about pick-up and start realigning your reality. Have an open mind and try to have something positive to say about all women - no matter how bitchy, fat, ugly, mean, or crazy she is. Discover the beauty. You don't have to have sex with them, but learn how to talk to them. Become good with women in general - in aspects outside of sex and work and chores (telling the cashier lady "keep the change" is not real social interaction).

Don't worry about meeting highly attractive models and having sex with them. All the seduction gurus want to sell you that pitch so they can make more sales of their ebook and DVDs. They are probably not laying such people themselves. But their marketing department knows that it is what their audience (lonely men) really want.

How long should you keep up "casual socializing" with real women before you get back into the pick-up mentality? You should continue until you feel you are no longer restricted by your own pickyness. Once you start becoming attracted to types of women who the media do not label as "sexy" on the cover of magazines, you are beginning to transform yourself back into a realistic man. Keep doing this, and eventually you will see 40-60% of women as attractive, rather than your original 2-5%. It's up to you really, but it's a natural process that happens when you go out to meet people. Socializing and going out is a grounding mechanism to keep your brain healthy - to know up from down, to know that there is gravity, and to keep you from living in a dreamland.

There is a kind of dreamland out there, but it's probably not the one you are thinking of. When you reach it, it will be worth it.

Good luck,
-Sly

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Blank Slate

When meeting someone new, they can initially make some presumptions based on how you look, what you wear, how you carry yourself, eye contact, and other non-verbal qualities.

But assume these things are established, or the woman didn't really notice you since she was busy talking or doing something else. Then, the rest all depends on WHAT YOU SAY TO HER.

Almost any physical limitation can be overcome with the right words.

Imagine two identical twins. Jim and Joe. They look the same, dress the same, and even act the same. The difference is only what they say.

Jim is a nice guy. He follows all the rules. He's polite and asks a lot of questions to show that he takes interest in other people. He is a bit of a pushover. He is easy to get along with, not very aggressive. He likes to take the safe road. He doesn't have any interesting stories. He doesn't try many new things, but likes to talk about what he would like to do. He talks about doing things, but never does them. His conversations are boring.

Joe is an edgy, adventurous guy who is living it up. He spends his time doing things all the time. He has a thousand funny stories from his experiences. He knows all the best places to go, has lots of friends, and doesn't waste time just being an observer. He is a go-getter, takes initiative, and a leader. He takes giant risks, and acts outside of typical social boundaries. He's a bad boy. He's a fighter and a lover. His conversations are awesome.

The two identical twins are two completely different people to a woman. On looks alone, they both score 8/10. Consider their personalities and Jim scores 3/10 and Joe scores 9/10 in terms of attractiveness. One gets laid, the other doesn't.

In a way, the personality you convey through your words is WHO YOU ARE because otherwise it's a blank slate. People don't know anything about you until you open your mouth.

You can be charming, adventurous, shy, outgoing, strong, weak, all depending on what you say. The stories you tell, the questions you ask, the tone of your voice, the speed at which you talk - all of these things give a woman an image of who you are. People have nothing else to go on.

You can be a loving, friendly guy who is super sweet on the inside. You know this because you can hear your own thoughts. You know this because you can think to yourself. But if, whenever you speak, you sound like a creepy guy with nasty secrets - then that will be who you are to other people. Doesn't matter how good you are or bad you are on the inside, what you say is all that matters.

This means that ALL THE BEST QUALITIES YOU HAVE are worthless if you don't know how to verbalize them through stories and conversation. And for the most part, you don't have a lot of time with a woman to get these qualities out. You have to be prepared, skilled, efficient, and clear.

Acting is the ability to project deep personality through expression. It is not considered "acting" to say, "I am a nice guy." to the audience. You portray this through words and actions. For example, "The other day, I rescued a cat from a tree and gave it back to the little girl." This is much better.

If you do not say this, the woman will still be looking at a blank slate. No woman wants to date a blank slate. They would rather know your bad qualities than be with a blank slate. Blank slate isn't the same as "mysterious". You can be mysterious by leaving careful and interesting gaps in who you are - or by being unpredictable and surprising to keep them guessing. It does not mean being quiet and not talking about anything or not revealing basic personality traits. A blank slate is a "stranger" and in the best case, "boring". People will assume if you don't tell stories, you don't have stories. No woman wants a boring guy.

If you want to learn one thing that will make a world of difference, learn how to project the attractive qualities of an alpha male that will get her chasing you. This is fundamental to pick up. It isn't icing on the cake, it's the cake. It's how important pedaling is to bicycling. For the most part, it is everything.

Good luck!

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